Why Positive Parenting Works Better Than Punishment

If you’re looking for positive parenting strategies to improve your child’s behaviour without shouting or punishment, this episode will guide you.

Have you ever wondered why traditional tactics like scolding, shaming, or punishment are ineffective in improving your child’s behaviour? 

In this Episode, parenting coach Camilla McGill  emphasises the importance of nurturing emotional intelligence and setting compassionate boundaries. 

Camilla delves into how these punitive methods can harm self-esteem, create fear rather than respect, and weaken the parent-child connection. 

Instead, she advocates for guiding children with empathy, understanding, and encouragement to foster intrinsic motivation and better behavioural outcomes. 

The episode also offers practical advice on addressing children's behaviour, discussing the impact of their actions, and promoting positive practices like apologies and making amends. 

Camilla emphasises that every step towards positive parenting makes a significant impact.

Book Camilla for a free discovery calls for personalised support. https://calendly.com/myparentingsolutions/discovery-call

00:00 Introduction: The Struggles of Parenting

00:23 The Impact of Scolding and Shaming

01:18 Developing Emotional Intelligence in Children

01:47 The Negative Effects of Punishment

02:21 Three Reasons to Avoid Scolding and Shaming

02:54 Reason 1: Damaging Self-Esteem

04:13 Reason 2: Creating Fear, Not Respect

05:10 Learning from Mistakes

05:41 Reason 3 The Importance of Connection in Parenting

06:15 Understanding Child Impulsivity

06:48 Effective Discipline Strategies

07:59 Shifting from Punishment to Teaching

08:36 Handling Specific Situations with Empathy

09:36 Encouraging Responsibility and Making Amends

10:11 Support and Resources for Positive Parenting

10:36 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Full transcript

Why scolding, shaming, or punishment fails to improve behaviour

Scolding, shaming, and punishing children might seem like the quickest route to better behaviour, but they often backfire. In this episode, Camilla McGill explains how these approaches damage self-esteem, create fear instead of respect, and break parent-child connection. She offers effective alternatives rooted in empathy, emotional intelligence, and connection—helping kids learn from mistakes rather than hide them. Plus, she answers a listener’s question about a sibling stealing chocolate.

📍 Our child has done something we're really upset about. They've pushed the food away that we've just put down in front of them. They've called us stupid, or they've snatched a toy away from their friend and refused to give it back. Surely we need to tell them off? Scold them. Use some shaming tactics.

You're rude, selfish little boy. How else will they learn the difference between right and wrong?

Well, if you're a parent who remembers the sting of being shamed, and if you're worried about the effects of punishment and want to raise your child in a different way, then you're definitely going to want to listen on to today's episode: Why scolding, shaming, or punishment fails to improve behaviour.

Imagine being able to hold a boundary and help your kid learn appropriate responses without having to make them feel bad. How would that feel?

What we've got to remember is this: we need to help our child develop emotional intelligence. This means teaching them to recognise and understand their own emotions, manage their feelings in a healthy way, and be aware of the emotions of others.

This involves guiding them to be self-aware and empathetic. It helps them to develop their intrinsic knowledge of what's right and wrong—their inner compass. If we rely on scolding or shaming, it can damage our child's self-esteem, making them feel like they're a bad kid. When a kid feels bad about themselves, they’re more likely to internalise emotions, stop communicating, or behave worse.

Camilla shares three reasons why scolding, shaming, or punishment are not effective:

1. It damages their self-esteem Shaming makes children feel that they are the problem rather than recognising they made a mistake. A child who hears, "you’re so naughty," internalises that. They may start to believe they’re incapable of doing the right thing, leading to hopelessness or more negative behaviour.

You might worry, "If I don’t scold her, how will she cope when others do?" Think of a young tree: it needs nurturing soil, water, and sunlight to grow strong. When storms come, strong roots keep it grounded. It’s the same for children. Build strong self-esteem and they’ll weather life’s criticism better.

2. It creates fear, not respect Children might stop misbehaving temporarily out of fear, but they don’t internalise why the behaviour was wrong. Fear can lead to lying, blame-shifting, and secrecy.

Camilla shares a story of her son finding birthday presents early. Rather than scolding, she acknowledged his curiosity. Later, she overheard him advising his sister not to spoil her own birthday surprise. He learned through empathy, not punishment.

3. It breaks connection Parenting is all about connection. When we shame our kids, we drive a wedge between us. They pull away rather than coming to us for help. Kids want to please us, but criticism leads them to shut down or act out more.

Many of their actions are impulsive. Their brains aren't mature enough yet. Saying "Why did you do that?!" ignores this fact. Our understanding helps their maturity develop.

Camilla offers an example: in a quiet café, instead of saying "Be quiet! Don’t be so rude," we can say: "It’s hard for you to talk quietly. You’ve got lots of energy. Let’s play the whispering game until I finish my drink, then we’ll go outside so you can have a run."

Stay calm when possible, but if things tip over, just leave with a mindset of damage limitation, knowing that our children are still learning.

Question of the week: Should I punish my son for stealing chocolate?

No. Shift from punishment to teaching. Yes, he needs to know it was wrong, but yelling or shaming makes things worse. He might deny it, get defensive, and not learn a better way.

Instead:

• Get curious, not furious: "I wonder if you felt jealous your brother got chocolate. Maybe you knew you shouldn’t take it, but couldn’t stop yourself."

• Explain the impact: "When you take something without asking, it upsets your brother and he might not trust you next time."

• Offer a solution: "Next time, let’s talk about it. And how can you make it right with your brother now?"

Encourage an apology or kind action. This builds empathy, accountability, and strengthens your relationship.

If you're stuck in a cycle of scolding and don’t know how to break it, Camilla offers free discovery calls to talk through your challenges and create a personalised plan.https://calendly.com/myparentingsolutions/discovery-call

Every small step toward positive parenting makes a big difference. Share this episode with a friend and subscribe so you never miss Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.