Why Your Toddler Hits, Bites and Snatches (And What to Do About It)

You're at the playground. Your child wants a turn on the swing. And before you can do anything, they shove another child off it. Every adult in the playground turns to look at you.

If that has happened to you, or if the hitting, biting or snatching is happening at home, this episode is for you.

Parenting coach Camilla McGill explains what is really driving this behaviour in young children and gives you three practical tools that actually work, including one that most parents never think to try. Plus the question of the week: what do you do when your child is aggressive in front of your parents, and they expect you to handle it very differently to how you want to?

WHAT'S IN THIS EPISODE

Why children hit, bite and snatch, and why it has nothing to do with being naughty
The firm, brief response that holds the boundary without shaming your child
How to talk to your child about it once things have calmed down
The playful skill-building technique that creates lasting change
Question of the week: how to handle it in front of grandparents when the pressure to react differently is real

EPISODE TIMESTAMPS

00:00 That playground panic feeling
01:51 Why children hit, bite and snatch
03:47 Three things that actually work
07:22 Free resources
08:19 Question of the week: when it happens in front of grandparents
11:03 Final thoughts

FREE GUIDE
Why Your Child Has Tantrums - 10 Calm Ways To Respond https://www.myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums

Would you like to talk through what's going on with your child specifically? Book a free discovery call and we'll look at what's happening in your family together.

TALK TO CAMILLA WITH A FREE DISCOVERY CALL

Book your free call: myparentingsolutions.com/CHAT

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Why Your Toddler Hits, Bites and Snatches: What's Really Going On and What Actually Helps

You're at the playground. Your child wants a turn on the swing. Another child is on it. And before you can do anything, your child shoves them off.

And suddenly you are very aware of every adult in that playground looking at you.

That hot, prickly, please-let-the-ground-swallow-me feeling. Mortified doesn't really cover it.

Or maybe it's happening at home. The hitting, the biting, the grabbing. And every time it does, some part of you wonders: is something wrong with my child? Am I doing something wrong?

In this episode, I want to give you something more useful than reassurance. I want to give you understanding. Because when we understand what is really driving this behaviour in young children, everything shifts. The way we feel about it shifts. And the way we respond shifts.

I'm Camilla McGill, parenting coach with over 20 years of experience and a mum of four. I work with parents of young children every single day, and this comes up constantly. You are not alone in this.

By the end of this episode you will know:

• Why children hit, bite and snatch, and why it has nothing to do with them being naughty
• Why your own reaction in that moment matters more than you might think
• Three things that actually work, including one most parents never think to try

And stay right to the end, because the question of the week is one I get asked all the time: what do you do when your child is aggressive in front of your parents, and they expect you to handle it very differently to how you want to? I've got a full answer to that waiting for you.

Let's get into it.

Why this happens

Let's start with the why. Because this is where everything changes.

Young children hit, bite and snatch for a very simple reason. They don't yet have the words or the emotional skills to handle what they're feeling. When they're overwhelmed, frustrated, or desperate to get a need met, it comes out physically. Because in that moment, it is the only tool they have.

This is not defiance. This is not nastiness. This is a child whose feelings are bigger than their ability to express them.

That said, it still needs to be addressed. And the way we address it matters enormously.

A personal story

When my eldest was small, I used to take him to a local playgroup. He was a lovely little boy. Until another child wouldn't share a toy. And then he'd hit.

I started off calmly telling him no. But as it kept happening, my reaction got sharper. And one day, after he hit another child, I pulled him out of the room and said to him: 'You are a horrible little boy.'

I felt ashamed of him. Embarrassed that I had raised a child who did this. Worried about what the other parents thought of me. And underneath all of that, completely lost about what to actually do.

What I didn't understand then is that shame doesn't teach a young child anything useful. It just makes them feel bad about who they are. And that actually increases difficult behaviour over time. In that moment, my reaction was entirely about my own embarrassment and fear. It had nothing to do with helping him learn.

I say that gently, because I think most of us have been there. The embarrassment is completely real. The panic is real. But when we react from that place, we don't help our child. We often make things harder.

Three things that actually work

One: The firm, brief response in the moment

When the hitting, biting or snatching happens, get down to their level. Hold their hands away, firmly but gently. Make eye contact and say clearly:

'I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts.'

Not a lecture. Not a long explanation. Just that one line, said calmly and with certainty.

The firmness tells them you are in charge and you will keep everyone safe. The brevity is the point. A child whose feelings are running high cannot process a speech. If you talk too much in that moment, they stop hearing you entirely.

Then move to the child who was hurt: 'I'm sorry you got hurt. That wasn't okay.'

Your child watches both things happen: the boundary and the care. That combination is what teaches.

Two: Separate the child from the behaviour

Not in the heat of the moment. Later, once everything has calmed down.

Get down to their level and say something like:

'I heard that at the playground today you really wanted a turn on the swing and you didn't know how to use your words, so you pushed.'

You're not excusing what happened. You're helping them understand what was going on inside them. You're making it about the situation, not about who they are as a person.

This is the difference between 'you are a problem' and 'you had a problem.' Children who believe they are fundamentally difficult behave as if they are fundamentally difficult. Children who understand that they had a hard moment, and that they can handle it differently next time, have somewhere to go.

Three: Practise the skill away from the moment

This is the one that most parents never think to try. And in my experience, it is the most powerful of the three.

We cannot teach a child a skill in the middle of a meltdown. But we can teach it when things are calm and light and playful. When there is no pressure and no audience.

Here is what this looked like with my son:

'Let's do a little game. You're going to be your friend Joe, and I'm going to be you. Imagine Joe has a toy and you hold on to it really tightly. Can you do that?'

He loved being given a job. He held the toy tight. And then I'd reach for it, and I'd say, 'Keep holding it.' And then I'd model what to do instead: 'It's my turn now, please.' And I'd walk away and find something else.

Then we'd swap. He'd be himself, I'd be Joe holding the toy. And we'd practise him doing the words: 'It's my turn now, please.'

We kept it light. We made it playful. We did it more than once.

What we were doing was building the skill in a safe, low-stakes moment, so that when the real situation came, he had something to reach for. Over time, and with reminders, he began to use words instead of hands.

That shift didn't happen overnight. But it happened. And it happened because we practised when it was easy, not just corrected when it was hard.

Question of the week

This one came in from a parent and I think it will land with a lot of you:

'My child hit me in front of my parents. They expected me to shout at him but I don't want to do that. How do I deal with this?'

First, I just want to say: the fact that you're asking this tells me so much about the kind of parent you are. You're in a hard moment, with pressure coming from all sides, and your instinct is still to protect your child from shame. That is worth noticing.

Tensions are often high when relatives are around, particularly grandparents. There is history in the room. There are unspoken expectations. Children pick up on all of it. They can feel when the atmosphere is different, when your attention is split, when the usual rhythms of the day have gone out of the window.

Children who hit in front of relatives are very often not being deliberately naughty. They are uncomfortable. They are not getting enough of the connection they rely on. And they don't yet have another way to say so.

The response in the moment is the same as always. Get down to their level, hold their hands firmly but gently, make eye contact.

'I won't let you hit me. Hitting hurts.'

Then, if you possibly can, move your child to another room. This is not a punishment. It is a reset. Away from the noise, away from the eyes, away from the pressure. Once you're there: brief boundary, then connection. 'That was hard. There are a lot of people here today. Let's have a few minutes just us.'

As for the grandparents, you do not owe anyone an explanation in the middle of managing a difficult moment. But if it feels right, as you move your child out of the room you can say simply:

'You might expect me to deal with this differently. I know I'm using a different approach to yours. I'll come back and talk about it if you'd like.'

No argument. No lengthy justification. Just a calm acknowledgement that you see the difference and you are choosing your own way.

And if that conversation does happen later, you don't need them to agree with you. You just need to hold your ground, kindly: 'This is working for us. I'd really love your support with it.'

You are not doing it wrong. You are doing it differently. And that is something to feel good about.

Thank you so much for listening. If this episode was useful, please do subscribe so you don't miss the next one. Next time: why your child says no to absolutely everything, and the simple shifts that get you so much more cooperation with so much less conflict.

Until then, be kind to yourself. You are doing a hard thing, and you are doing it with love.

LINKS

Free guide: Why Your Child Has Tantrums - 10 Calm Ways To Respond https://www.myparentingsolutions.com/tantrums

Book a free discovery call: myparentingsolutions.com/CHAT