Rude Kids? How to teach respect without shaming or punishment

“You’re stupid!” “I hate you!” “Give me it – NOW!”
If your child says things like this, you’re not alone — and you’re not doing anything wrong. But the truth is, hearing those words can be heartbreaking, especially when you’re trying to raise a kind and respectful human with good manners.

In this powerful episode, parenting coach Camilla McGill shares why rudeness shows up so often — particularly with the people our children feel safest with — and what we can do to guide them without shouting, shaming or punishment.

You’ll learn:

• Why kids are rude (hint: it’s rarely personal)
  
  
• How to stay calm and hold your boundary
  
  
• The gentle replay technique that helps children practise respectful communication
  
  
• What to do when they’re rude to a nanny or grandparent
  
  
• And how to handle those painful words: “I hate you.”

Time Stamps

• 00:00 - Introduction and personal anecdotes about rude behavior in children
• 01:00 - Overview of the episode's structure
• 03:00 - Explanation of why children are rude
• 05:00 - First strategy – Staying calm and not reacting
• 07:00 - Second strategy – Recognizing emotions without shaming
• 09:00 - Third strategy – Asking for a polite 'replay'
• 11:00 - Handling rudeness towards nannies or grandparents
• 13:00 - Question of the week – Responding to 'I hate you'
• 15:00 - Final thoughts and resources 

Transcript

"You’re an idiot. You can’t make me. I hate you. Go away."

When we hear our child say things like this to us, two things usually happen: first, it really presses our buttons. We think, "How dare you. I’d never have spoken to my mother like that!" And second, we feel terrible: "Where did I go wrong? I bet nobody else’s child is like this."

So in today’s episode I’m diving into the thorny issue of when our child is rude.

We’ll talk about what’s behind this kind of behaviour, how to respond in the moment, and how to help our child develop more respectful ways of communicating. And I’ll also come back to our question of the week at the end, which is a powerful one:

"My 5-year-old constantly says ‘I hate you.’ What do I say to that? I’ve tried: ‘That’s so rude. No you don’t. You aren’t allowed to say that to me,’ but nothing works."

Make sure you stick around for that.

Let’s find a few more choice examples: "Give me that!" or a huffing "You’re so annoying!" Maybe it’s the way they snap, roll their eyes, or just use that tone that makes our hackles rise. And when this happens in front of others — or worse, is directed at others — it’s even more stressful.

[Insert "I'm Camilla" prerecorded intro here.]

Let me start with a story of a client couple I’ll call Jessica and Simon. They were furious after Jessica witnessed their 6-year-old son snapping at the nanny who was trying to get them out the door for school. He said, "You’re not the boss of me! I’m not getting my shoes on."

The nanny looked shocked. Jessica felt embarrassed and torn. She told me, "I felt awful. I wanted to defend her, but I also didn’t want to shame him. I just didn’t know what to do in that moment."

That situation is more common than we think. Kids will often be ruder to the people they feel safest with — and that includes us as parents, as well as nannies or grandparents. It doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong — but it is a sign that our child needs guidance to learn to respond politely whoever it is.

And I remember one of those moments myself. One of my daughters, when she was around four, shouted, "You need to buy me an ice cream NOW!" We were in the playground, in front of other parents, and the demanding tone genuinely shocked me. I had that same flicker of embarrassment, hurt, and frustration that Jessica had. But once I stepped back and understood what was underneath it, I could respond differently — and far more helpfully.

So in this episode, I want to help us understand why our children are rude — because there’s always a reason — and I’ll share three practical, calm, and respectful ways we can respond. These tools really do make a difference. I’ve seen it with my four children and in my work with hundreds of parents. When we apply these tips, it vastly reduces the frequency of rude behaviour. So it’s definitely worth paying attention.

Why is our child rude?

There are two main reasons — and they’re completely human.

1. Habit
   Rude talk often becomes a pattern — not because our child is deliberately trying to be disrespectful, but because it works. If they shout, "Get my juice!" and we hand it over quickly just to avoid a meltdown, we’re teaching them that rudeness gets results.

Children are always learning: "What happens when I do this?" So when rudeness leads to getting what they want — even if we sigh, scold, or roll our eyes — they file that away as: "Okay, that works."

2. Emotion
   The second reason is that rudeness is often a signal, not a character flaw. Our child might be saying:

• "I’m overwhelmed." (This could be emotional or sensory — for more on sensory overload, listen to Episode 12 from November 12th.)
• "I don’t feel heard." (How often does this happen when we’re distracted?)
• "I don’t know how to express this in a calm way."

But of course, they don’t have the words for that yet. So it comes out as snappy, rude behaviour — especially when they’re tired, anxious, or struggling.

And rudeness often shows up with the people they feel safest with — and that’s usually us.

A quick word about us as parents
It’s really important to say this: it’s not our fault when our child is rude. Truly.

I’ve worked with so many parents who feel ashamed when their child speaks disrespectfully. But this isn’t about blame. Rudeness is a common, normal part of child development.

But — even though it isn’t our fault, we do have a responsibility to guide our child. Because if we let it slide, or don’t address it with warmth and boundaries, it can become a habit that carries into the teen years. And as hormones kick in and emotional intensity increases, those patterns can really take root and be harder to change.

So let’s catch it now, while they’re still little. I’m a firm believer that good manners don’t come naturally to most kids — they have to be taught and practiced. - if you’re finding this useful, please grab my free guide to get kids to listen - which is a lot of what this is about go to www.myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten

Three Calm and Powerful Responses to Rudeness

1. Stay calm and don’t react
   This is such a hard one, I know. But it’s also the most important. When our child is rude, we often want to react — to raise our voice, or send them to their room.

But that kind of response usually just adds fuel to the fire — and it doesn’t teach them a better way to express themselves.

Instead, try something like:
"Hmm. That didn’t sound polite. Try again using respectful words."

We’re keeping our tone neutral, calm, and firm. No drama, no shame. We’re modelling how to hold a boundary without getting drawn into a power struggle.

And if you’re thinking, “But I’ve tried that and my child just gets more rude,” — remember, it takes time. We’re not looking for instant obedience — we’re building a habit.

2. Recognise the emotion without shaming
   This is where connection comes in. Most rudeness is rooted in dysregulation. Our child is angry, frustrated, disappointed — and they’re lashing out because they don’t know how else to communicate it.

We can meet that moment with empathy, without letting go of the boundary.

Try saying:
“You’re really frustrated that I said no. That’s hard. And we still need to speak kindly.”

Or:
“It’s okay to feel upset. I know that’s why you said that. But we don’t talk to people like that.”

This response shows them: I see you, I hear you, and I’m still holding the limit. It’s powerful.

3. Ask for a replay
   This one’s so simple and effective. Once your child is calm enough, ask them to try again.

You can say:
“Let’s replay that. How could you say it kindly?”

The key here is tone — keep it light and encouraging, not sarcastic or shaming.

It might look like this:

• Child: “I want juice!”
• You: “Let’s try that again. How do we ask?”
• Child (after some support): “Please can I have some juice?”

You might need to prompt them or even model the words at first — that’s okay. This is all about helping them practice the skill.

What if they’re really dysregulated?
Sometimes, they’re too far gone. They’re yelling, crying, storming off — and you’re not going to get a calm, respectful reply.

In those moments, the best thing you can do is wait. Let the storm pass. Then circle back.

Later, you might say:
“Earlier you shouted at me. I think you were feeling really angry. Next time, let’s try saying how you feel using respectful words. Want to practice that now?”

What if they’re rude to a nanny or babysitter?
This is such a common worry. And it’s tough because it affects the adult relationship too.

Let your child know:
“In our family, we speak kindly to everyone — including [nanny’s name]. If you’re rude, you’ll need to take a moment and come back when you’re ready to try again kindly.”

And speak with your caregiver — let them know what phrases you use so they can reinforce it too. Consistency is key.

Now let’s go back to our question of the week:

“My 5-year-old constantly says ‘I hate you.’ What do I say to that? I’ve tried: ‘That’s so rude. No you don’t. You aren’t allowed to say that to me,’ but nothing works.”

First of all — that is so hard to hear. It hurts. So if that’s you, know that you’re not alone.

But here’s what’s important: when a child says “I hate you,” what they really mean is: “I’m angry” or “I feel powerless.” They’re using the strongest words they know to express a big feeling.

Try saying something like:

• “You’re really angry with me right now. It’s okay to feel angry. I’m still here.”
• Or: “You’re upset. I get that. And I won’t let you speak to me like that.”

Then once they’re calm:
“Earlier you said you hated me. I think that was because I said no. You’re allowed to feel upset. Let’s think of a different way to say that.”

It’s about helping them build a new script — one that still honours their feelings, but is kinder and more respectful.

Final thoughts
This isn’t about raising perfect kids. It’s about raising kids who can express their big feelings without hurting others.  Remember you can get your free guide to get kids to listen: www.myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten or see the shownotes

You’ve got this. And I’m so glad you’re here, doing this work with love and boundaries.

Thanks for listening — and if this episode was helpful, I’d love if you give it a rating and share it with a friend or your child’s caregiver. I’ll see you next time!

This is not about raising perfect kids. It’s about helping them express big feelings without hurting others — and giving you the tools to respond with confidence.

✨ Ready to shift the tone in your home? Grab Camilla’s free guide: How to Get your Kids To Listen (Without nagging, shouting or threatening) 

📩 Or book a free discovery call if you want personalised support.

🎧 If this episode helped, please  share it with a friend or your child’s caregiver. Let’s spread the message of love and boundaries!