Why Time-Outs Don't Work and 3 Powerful Alternatives

Why Time-Outs Don’t Work – And 3 Powerful Alternatives

You’re doing everything you can to raise kind, respectful kids—but sometimes they push you to the limit. Maybe they scream at you, throw food, hit a sibling, or completely lose it over something small… and in that moment, you find yourself shouting, “Timeout!”

We’ve all been there. Timeouts seem like a quick fix—but in this episode, you’ll learn why they rarely work the way we hope, and what actually helps children calm down, feel safe, and make better choices next time.

Inside this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why time-outs often backfire and disconnect us from our kids
  
  
• A powerful story from Camilla’s own parenting that changed how she sees difficult behaviour
  
  
• What  emotional dysregulation really looks like—and why kids need connection, not isolation
  
  
• 3 practical alternatives to time-outs you can start using today
  🟦 Time-ins and how to use them
  🟦 Replays (or Re-winds)
  🟦 How to hold boundaries when you get pushed to your limit!
  
  

💬 Question of the Week:
“My child shouts ‘I don’t care!’ when I say I’ll take something away—what do I say instead?”

💬 Ready for more personalised support?
Book a free 60-minute discovery call with Camilla and find out how her coaching can help you feel calmer and more confident in your parenting.
👉 https://www.myparentingsolutions.com/CHAT

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Podcast Title: Why Time-Outs Don’t Work – 3 Powerful Alternatives

Introduction

If you've ever found yourself shouting, "That's it! Time out. Go to your room. Go to the naughty step" — maybe because your child shouted in your face, hit their sibling, or threw their food across the floor — something that really pushed you to your limit, you’re not alone.

You probably used time-out hoping it would fix the behaviour. Many of us were taught that time-outs are what children need when their behaviour gets out of hand.

If you remember Supernanny, she pronounced it "unacceptable" and sent kids to the naughty step. But things have moved on. What if I told you there’s another way — one that teaches your child how to make amends rather than punishing them for what they did wrong?

Why Behaviour Happens

All behaviour has a cause. If we only punish the behaviour, we miss the chance to help our child regulate or even express the feelings behind it.

Now you might be thinking: "You haven’t seen my child! I can’t ignore or accept the terrible things she does."

I'm not saying we ignore it. If a plate gets thrown, they help clean it up. If they’re hitting, we step in and say, "I won’t let you hit your sister."

Coming Up

Welcome to today’s episode: Why Time-Outs Don’t Work – And What to Do Instead.

And don’t miss our Question of the Week:
“My child shouts ‘I don’t care’ when I say I’ll take something away — what should I do?”

A Personal Story

Let me tell you a story. Years ago, when one of my boys was about six, we were having one of those days. It was nearly bedtime, and I found he’d emptied two boxes of Lego all over the playroom.

When I asked him to clean it up, he shouted, “You clean it up, you idiot!”

In a flash, I lost it. I grabbed him, marched him next door for a so-called time-out. I was overwhelmed. I threw him onto the sofa (not roughly, but with force) and shouted, “Stay there!” and stormed out.

I knew this wasn’t going to teach him anything — it wasn’t parenting with love and boundaries. It sent the message: “When you mess up, I send you away. When I get overwhelmed, I lose control.”

But then I paused, breathed, and came back. I said, “I shouldn’t have thrown you on the sofa. That wasn’t okay. I was upset. I think you were too.”

We sat together for a bit. Then I remembered — he’d had a spelling test that day. I asked him about it. He said he’d forgotten how to spell because and friend. He was upset with himself. The frustration from the spelling test, plus sibling tension, led to the Lego incident.

Timeout wouldn’t have helped him tell me any of this.

Why Time-Outs Don’t Work

The theory behind time-out is that we remove a child so they can calm down and reflect. But most kids under 7 don’t have the emotional regulation skills to calm down alone. They don’t sit and think, “Ah yes, I should apologise for hitting my sister.”

Instead, they sit in shame, confusion or anger. They may think:

• “I’m bad.”
• “Mum doesn’t love me.”
• “Next time I’ll hide what I did.”

Time-outs disconnect us from our children just when they need us most.

Misbehaviour usually comes from dysregulation — they’re tired, hungry, frustrated, overwhelmed. Sending them away doesn’t help them learn to regulate. It just isolates them.

And if you’ve used time-outs — don’t feel guilty. We’ve all been there. But let’s talk about some better strategies.

What to Do Instead: 3 Alternatives

1. Time-Ins

Time-ins are the opposite of time-outs. Instead of sending your child away, you bring them closer. It meets their core need for connection.

You might wonder, “Doesn’t that reward bad behaviour?”

Let’s flip it: imagine you had a bad day and shouted at your partner. Would it help if they said, “Go to your room!”?

Or what if they said, “Sounds like you’re having a rough day — want to talk?”

With our kids, try:

“You’re having a really hard time. I won’t let you hurt me, but I’m staying right here.”

Hold them if they’re open to it. Or just sit quietly. Your calm helps them calm.

This is called co-regulation. It’s incredibly powerful.

2. Replays (or Rewinds)

Once they’re calm, offer a redo of the situation.

Say your child shouted, “I want that!” and grabbed a toy. Later, you might say:

“Let’s try that again. Can you say, ‘Can I have a turn when you’re finished?’”

Take the toy, return it to the sibling, and let your child try again respectfully.

Celebrate it:

“That was such a respectful way to ask. You should feel proud.”

This isn’t ignoring the behaviour — it’s using it as a teaching moment.

Note: if they’re still dysregulated, wait. You can say, “I’ll hold the toy until you’re calm.”

3. Boundaries with Compassion

You can be firm without using punishment.

If your child is throwing things:

“I’m not going to let you throw that. I’m putting it away for now.”

If they’re hitting:

“I can see you’re upset. I won’t let you hit your brother. I’m moving you away until you’re calm.”

You’re being clear, kind, and in control. That’s what helps kids feel safe and learn.

Question of the Week

A listener asked:

“My child shouts ‘I don’t care!’ when I say I’ll take something away — what do I do?”

This is a classic power struggle. When kids say “I don’t care,” they usually do — they’re just protecting themselves from shame or fear.

Try not to react. Instead, calmly say:

“Sounds like you’re feeling really angry. I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk.”

Hold the boundary without escalating the conflict. That’s where the real learning happens.

Final Thoughts

Timeouts aren’t the worst thing we can do — they just rarely get the result we want. And if you’ve used them, it’s okay.

What matters is being open to small shifts that create more connection and growth.

Recap:

• Time-Ins: Stay with your child and help them co-regulate.
• Replays: Practise the behaviour you want to see.
• Compassionate Boundaries: Be clear and firm, but kind.

🧡 And one caveat: if we need a time-out to breathe and calm down, that’s okay. Just come back in when we’re ready.

Free Support

If you'd like help putting this into practice, I offer free discovery calls. Go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat to book.

And don’t forget to grab my free guide:
“How to Get Your Kids to Listen Without Ever Needing to Nag, Shout or Threaten.”

It’s full of phrases that help in the hardest moments.

Thank you so much for listening. If this helped you, please follow, subscribe, and leave a quick review. And if you have a parenting question, send me a DM on Instagram @myparentingsolutions.

See you next time on Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.